The best revenge is premature balding
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
