You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
