my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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