yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
