Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
