Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
