Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
