If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
