I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize
