I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
