I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
