Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
They have beer where we have blood.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
