It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize