Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
