Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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