tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
