you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
