Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
