We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
