In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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