i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
