just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize