Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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