omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
