How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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