Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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