The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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