And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
