You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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