Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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