I'm gonna have a badass scar
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
