dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
