I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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