Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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