I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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