I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
it's like iHOP with fire
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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