so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
