just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
