you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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