Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
