ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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