Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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