You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
