if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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