Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
