this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
