I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
