Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize