My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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