when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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