god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
