i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize