my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
