dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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