I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
