You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
