I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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