theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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