I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
