Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need to calm my uterus...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
