the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
